Last night was a really rough one with Bridger. He has been really difficult lately when it comes to meal times – always complaining and not wanting to eat what Rachel cooks. Last night I had had enough and so I told him that I would spank him and then send him to bed without any dinner if he continued to be ungrateful and unwilling to eat what he was given.

Sure enough – he wanted to see if I was serious. The sad part of the matter is that we ate an early dinner and Bridger was in bed around 5:30 with a sore bum and crying that he didn’t want to go to bed. Luckily he was extremely tired still from the Easter weekend and fell asleep in a matter of minutes. However, it did make me question whether I was being too hard on him and whether my discipline is actually affecting his heart.

I stood at his door watching him sleep for several minutes pondering the difficult calling of parenthood. Later last night with Coldsmoke as my companion, I was inspired to write a tightly metered poem about Bridger. It is titled Wondering. It is metered around 4 stanzas – the first and last are 5 verses with four words per verse and the 2nd and 3rd are 6 verses with 5 words per verse.

I find myself wondering…
standing at your door
you are fast asleep
you don’t notice me
darkness closes in around
my thoughts begin drifting

I find myself wondering why…
your heart seems so hard?
you don’t listen to me?
I have to repeat myself?
you can’t walk my line?
you don’t seem to understand?
your heart stays the same?

I find myself wondering whether…
you will become a great man?
you will become a great dad?
I will model love to you?
you’ll love me in the morning?
you’ll remember my words of wisdom?
you’ll follow in my foot steps?

I find myself wondering…
are you all right?
why is this so hard
was I too hard?
Will you forgive me?
Am I doing right?